Written by: Angela Derrick, Ph.D. & Susan McClanahan, Ph.D.
Date Posted: December 12, 2025 10:37 am
It’s that time of year again when expectations rise, responsibilities multiply, and family dynamics become more intensified, often leaving you with the uneasy feeling that you are falling short or that you aren’t enough.
The house should be more organized. The gifts should be more thoughtful. The work projects should be more complete. The tasks should be done faster. You should be more grateful, more competent, more balanced, more everything.
For many women, these thoughts are not new, and there might be some progress happening in this area. Still, these thoughts often resurface and become more persistent during this time of year. They can hum quietly in the background of everything we do. Even if you love the holidays, it might feel like you’re always pushing yourself and comparing yourself to an invisible standard of joy and perfection that you neither set nor agreed to, which can be exhausting.
When “shoulds” dominate our thoughts, psychologists refer to it as self-discrepancy, the painful gap between who we are and who we believe we should be. During the holidays, this gap can feel particularly wide. The perfect, shiny images on social media, the pressure to appear happy and composed, and the endless to-do lists can trigger feelings of inadequacy. Allowing yourself to truly believe you are enough and you have done enough in these moments can seem like a radical act!
A recent Psychology Today article by Dr. Kelly-Ann Allen and Dr. Duyen Vo, “Feeling Overwhelmed by Christmas? Building Contentment Can Help,” explores why so many people find the holidays more stressful than joyful. The authors describe a cycle that will sound familiar to many women: the more we try to create a perfect holiday, the more we lose touch with the calm, grounded emotions that actually make the season meaningful.
They describe contentment as a calm, steady emotion that emerges when we see our situation as complete and whole, exactly as it is, rather than constantly striving for more. Unlike happiness, which often depends on excitement or achievement, contentment is based on acceptance. It is the quiet sense that this moment, no matter how imperfect, is enough.
Research cited in their article shows that people who cultivate contentment experience greater life satisfaction, emotional balance, and resilience. Psychologist Jeffrey Cordaro and colleagues describe it as a “low-arousal positive state” that supports well-being and self-regulation. Another study (DeHart et al., 2025) found that contentment helps people maintain stable self-worth even when life circumstances are difficult.
This is an important distinction. Contentment is not pretending that everything is wonderful. It is the ability to find steadiness even when life feels messy. It is the understanding that you are enough, even when the world tells you otherwise.
Modern research in positive psychology and neuroscience has begun to unpack why contentment and gratitude are such powerful protectors of mental health.
1. Contentment reduces physiological stress. When we shift from striving to acceptance, the body exits a state of threat. Heart rate decreases, cortisol levels drop, and the parasympathetic nervous system (our “rest and digest” system) activates. Studies on mindfulness and relaxation demonstrate that cultivating calm awareness improves sleep, immunity, and overall emotional stability.
2. Gratitude transforms the brain. A Harvard Health review found that regular gratitude practices are linked to increased activity in the prefrontal cortex and fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression. Gratitude doesn’t eliminate pain, but it broadens our perspective so we can see beauty and goodness alongside difficulty.
3. Social connection supports nervous system regulation. Social Baseline Theory proposes that our brains are wired for connection. Being around trusted people helps conserve emotional energy and quiets the brain’s fear centers. During the holidays, when many feel isolated or pressured, even small moments of shared laughter or empathy can restore a sense of safety and belonging.
4. Savoring builds positive emotion. Psychologist Fred Bryant coined the term savoring to describe the practice of noticing and extending small pleasures. Whether it’s the sound of a child’s laughter, the glow of candlelight, a comforting touch of a favorite blanket, or the enjoyment of a familiar song, savoring helps our brains encode positive emotion more deeply, strengthening resilience over time.
Together, these findings suggest that contentment is not passive. It is an active practice of awareness, gratitude, and presence. It is a skill that can be strengthened, especially when life feels heavy.
When the Holidays Are Complicated
For many people, the holidays bring a mix of joy and sorrow. You might be grieving someone you love, adjusting to a new family rhythm, or simply feeling disconnected from the cheer that characterizes the season. These are normal variations. Not everyone enters the season from the same starting point.
Contentment gives us permission to hold complexity. You can love parts of the holiday while feeling weary of others. You can be grateful for what you have while still acknowledging what is missing. True contentment doesn’t ask you to push away pain. It asks you to make space for both joy and difficulty, trusting that they can coexist.
When we practice this kind of emotional flexibility, our inner dialogue softens. The harsh self-criticism of “I should be doing better” shifts into something gentler: “I’m doing my best right now, and that is enough.”
Dr. Angela Derrick observed, “many of my clients note that they struggle during the holidays because they try to maintain old family rituals that are no longer practical or possible. This often leads to disappointment when things feel different than before. Instead of forcing “how things used to be,” greater peace and contentment can be found by embracing flexibility and adapting to new circumstances.”
The beauty of contentment is that it doesn’t require a total life overhaul. It can be built through small, intentional choices that restore presence and perspective. Below are evidence-based practices to help you move toward calm and “enough-ness” during the holidays.
1. Notice when “should” shows up. Each time you hear yourself say “I should” or “I have to,” pause and take a breath. Ask yourself whether the expectation comes from your own values or from an outside influence. This moment of awareness can loosen the grip of perfectionism.
2. Name one thing that feels “enough.” At the end of the day, reflect on something that was sufficient just as it was. Maybe it was the simple dinner you managed to prepare, or the fact that you remembered to text a friend. Naming enough-ness rewires your brain to recognize adequacy instead of absence.
3. Practice small gratitude rituals. Write down three things each night that brought you comfort or meaning. They can be as simple as a quiet moment or a kind word. Gratitude strengthens neural pathways associated with joy and resilience.
4. Savor sensory experiences. Pause to notice textures, scents, and sounds. Feel the weight of a blanket, the warmth of a mug, the sparkle of lights. These small sensory details can anchor you in the present and soothe overstimulation.
5. Set gentle boundaries. Give yourself permission to decline invitations, simplify traditions, or ask for help. Boundaries protect emotional energy and allow space for genuine connection.
6. Choose connection over performance. Reach out to someone who makes you feel safe and seen. Share a laugh, a meal, or even silence. Social connection restores calm far more effectively than performing happiness ever could.
7. Create a “contentment cue.” This can be a word, phrase, or small object that reminds you to slow down. Maybe a bracelet, a candle, or a note on the fridge that says “I am enough.” Use it as a gentle reminder to return to yourself.
Comparison is one of the greatest thieves of peace. It sneaks in through social media, holiday advertising, and even family traditions. But it is rarely grounded in reality. What we see of others’ holidays is a highlight reel, not the full story.
Psychologists remind us that contentment grows when we define success on our own terms. This might mean redefining what a meaningful holiday looks like for your family, or choosing to focus on moments of genuine connection rather than aesthetic perfection. The goal is not to match anyone else’s rhythm, but to find your own.
When you catch yourself comparing, try shifting your attention from “Why don’t I have that?” to “What do I already have that feels good?” This small reframing fosters gratitude and prevents emotional depletion.
In a culture that glorifies productivity, contentment can feel almost rebellious. It asks us to rest, to release, to stop chasing endless improvement. Yet this very act of stillness is what allows healing to happen.
For women who often carry emotional labor, care for others, and maintain countless invisible tasks, choosing contentment is not giving up. It is an act of courage. It is saying, “My worth is not measured by how much I do or how perfectly I do it.”
The science supports this mindset. Self-compassion practices, pioneered by Dr. Kristin Neff, have been shown to decrease anxiety, increase resilience, and enhance motivation. When we treat ourselves with the same kindness we offer others, the nervous system settles. We begin to experience safety within our own minds.
There may be moments this season when joy feels far away. Perhaps you are navigating grief, loneliness, or transition. It can be tempting to withdraw or to believe that something is wrong with you for not feeling cheerful. But contentment offers another path.
You can still find moments of steadiness and grace, even without the spark of happiness. Lighting a candle, breathing slowly, or simply noticing that you made it through another day can all be small gestures of self-respect. These small acts are the foundation of well-being. They remind you that you are still here, still growing, still worthy of care.
The holidays are not a test of strength or organization. They are an invitation to return to what matters most: connection, rest, and presence. Contentment is not the opposite of ambition or joy. It is the soil in which both can grow.
This season, try to release the idea that you must do more, be more, or feel more to be worthy of peace. You are already enough. The lights will still shine. The people who love you will still want your presence more than your perfection.
So let this be your mantra: This is enough. I am enough. My life, as it is today, is enough.
At SpringSource: Eating, Weight & Mood Disorders, we know the holiday season can bring both connection and complexity. While this time of year is often portrayed as joyful and effortless, many people quietly experience stress, loneliness, or emotional exhaustion. Our team of experienced clinicians offers a place to pause, reflect, and restore balance. Whether you are navigating family dynamics, grief, perfectionism, or simply the fatigue that comes with caring for others, SpringSource provides evidence-based, relationship-focused support to help you find steadiness and strength through it all.
Our care extends well beyond the holidays. We partner with you year-round to cultivate resilience, insight, and genuine well-being. With individual therapy, group work, and specialized programs designed to meet you where you are, SpringSource helps you reconnect to yourself and your values. We believe that healing happens through understanding and connection, and that everyone deserves a place where they can feel grounded, supported, and enough, through every season of life.
We provide in-person therapy in Northbrook and Chicago, with telehealth therapy available throughout Illinois.
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