Written by: Angela Derrick, Ph.D. & Susan McClanahan, Ph.D.
Date Posted: June 20, 2025 10:21 am
When considering what makes a good relationship, we also need to examine a few contributing factors, including the societal barriers, as well as the amount of effort required to maintain a romance.
We recently came across an intriguing article in Vox, “Relationships are hard work. Right?” by Allie Volpe. It breaks down the old adage that most of us have probably heard at some point in our lives: that relationships do, in fact, require work. The article continues to discuss how the effort required to maintain a romantic relationship is a relatively recent (20th century) phenomenon, primarily benefiting men (in heterosexual relationships), while the majority of the responsibility falls on women.
Let’s begin this exploration by highlighting some of the major challenges affecting relationships, particularly cisgender, heterosexual relationships, although there are implications for everyone. These are dynamics we are all navigating even if we aren’t aware of ways in which it shows up in our relationships.
Gendered expectations negatively affect women in ways that impact everything from relationships and mental health to physical and economic well-being. An article in the NIH, “Critical Overview of Patriarchy, Its Interferences With Psychological Development, and Risks for Mental Health,” outlines the well-documented, harmful effects of bias against women and gender non-conforming individuals. It also highlights the negative impacts on men, who are often bullied relentlessly for any behavior deemed feminine. This hinders emotional growth and fosters a lifestyle that normalizes violence. According to the study, “Stereotypes about male resilience and ‘toughness’ prevent men from seeking mental health help, which worsens an already difficult situation.”
In clinical settings, we can see how complicated and nuanced this can be. Upon seeking therapy, we find our clients usually fall into one of three categories:
Understanding our clients’ starting points is important and helps determine where we need to make personal inquiries to help them flourish in their relationships or in their conscious decision to remain single.
It’s no wonder that building strong and fulfilling relationships requires unlearning rigid thinking patterns and engaging in self-reflection to identify how these expectations may create problems in our relationships.
An individual might resist a true understanding of oppressive beliefs and systems for several interconnected psychological, social, and cultural reasons. Cognitive dissonance plays a powerful role—recognizing the gendered hierarchy often requires confronting uncomfortable truths about privilege, power, and one’s role in systems that advantage some while disadvantaging others. This realization can feel threatening to a person’s identity or worldview, particularly if they benefit from the system or have never had to question it.
There may also be emotional defenses, such as guilt, shame, or fear, that arise when someone begins to grasp the extent of inequality and the harm caused. To avoid these feelings, a person might deny, minimize, or mock the concept altogether. Cultural conditioning reinforces this resistance; many people grow up in environments that normalize male dominance and frame feminism or critiques of patriarchy as divisive or “anti-men,” rather than as a movement for shared liberation.
Relationships have the opportunity to grow and flourish in an environment where everyone is treated with equal respect and given the same opportunities to thrive. No one should be limited, dismissed, or devalued. This involves self-reflection in order to recognize and change unhealthy beliefs and habits around dominance, power dynamics, ownership, and anger issues. It’s about honoring everyone’s full humanity, ensuring that voices are heard, contributions recognized, and autonomy respected.
It’s easy to see how important these dynamics are and how they can significantly influence whether a relationship is healthy and affirming or dysfunctional and even abusive.
How does understanding our environment help us to build meaningful connections that promote dignity and fairness? How can this awareness help us determine when our efforts to maintain a relationship become excessive? This is a deeply personal question, and no one should ever serve as the arbiter or judge of another’s choice to stay or go. However, as clinicians, we can compassionately assist individuals in viewing their situations as they truly are, helping to gently lessen denial or magical thinking and facilitating our clients’ journeys toward a healthier and more complete sense of self, whether or not they are in a relationship.
We first examined the societal barriers in this article because we believe that when partners understand these challenges, it provides them with a stronger foundation to build longer-lasting and compatible relationships. This understanding can also reveal when situations are unworkable or incompatible. The ability of both parties to comprehend and overcome societal conditioning can increase their chances of developing a meaningful relationship for everyone involved.
The Gottman Method is a structured, research-based approach to couples therapy developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Rooted in over 40 years of observational and clinical research, the method is designed to help couples build stronger relationships by improving communication, increasing emotional intimacy, and managing conflict more effectively. Rather than focusing solely on resolving problems, the Gottman Method emphasizes cultivating a deep friendship, mutual respect, and shared meaning.
Perhaps the Gottmans’ greatest contribution to building strong relationships is the concept of the Sound Relationship House, a framework that identifies key elements essential to healthy partnerships, such as trust, commitment, emotional attunement, and effective conflict management. Through this model and their renowned research on the Four Horsemen of relationship breakdown (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), the Gottmans have uncovered what can make love last. Their approach empowers couples to recognize destructive patterns early and replace them with positive behaviors, leading to more enduring and satisfying connections.
There are so many social media accounts that break down these ideas and make them easy to understand. Here is an excellent video by a Gottman Method practitioner, including a stitch by John Gottman.
The principles of the Gottman Method can enhance your relationship by offering a clear, compassionate framework for addressing both everyday interactions and deeper challenges. For instance, learning to recognize and replace the Four Horsemen with their healthier antidotes may help reduce conflict escalation and encourage more respectful, productive conversations. Instead of getting caught in cycles of criticism or defensiveness, you could take a moment to pause, soften your approach, or listen with greater curiosity, thus creating space for more understanding and less blame.
You might also find inner strength in the method’s focus on creating love maps and turning toward each other in small, daily ways. These practices deepen emotional connection and trust, reminding both partners that you’re a team, even during stressful times. The Gottman Method doesn’t require you to be perfect, just intentional: making bids for connection, expressing appreciation, and committing to repair and growth. Over time, these habits can help you feel safer, more seen, and more anchored in a shared sense of meaning and partnership.
One of our associates shared this insight about her relationship spanning over 20 years.
My significant other and I are both in recovery, so we share a language that helps us navigate our relationship. Early on, I found myself mimicking relational dynamics I learned growing up, and I recognized they were unhealthy, but I had a hard time making changes. We would be having a serious conversation, and he would get hurt and tell me things like, “You have no idea how you sound or the way you say things to me.” I felt frustrated and was sure he was too sensitive and needy. We had so many arguments over this; I would say, “You are trying to shut me down if it’s something you don’t want to hear or deal with,” and he would say, “It’s the way you are saying it.” I was convinced that no matter how I delivered the message, it would not matter.
Looking back on it, I think we both needed to make adjustments for the health of our relationship. His fear or ambivalence about how I was feeling or what I was thinking led him to shut me down. For my part, I remember growing up, my mom seemed callous when she fought with me or other family members, and I knew I could come across the same way. I had little patience and a lot of judgment.
Over time, we developed strategies that allowed both of us to feel heard and valued. We began holding weekly check-ins to connect, giving each of us a chance to share (uninterrupted) what was happening in our lives, how we felt, and how we were managing our challenges. At the end of each share, the other person would ask, “Do you want any feedback?” We were completely free to say no, and if one of us declined, the other would respect that boundary. The uninterrupted aspect was especially helpful, as I often felt talked over and dismissed. This practice provided us both with valuable insights into each other’s current state of mind and the experiences contributing to it. It alleviated the constant feeling that we were at fault or responsible for each other’s moods — we had more empathy and care for each other’s experiences.
This may not work for everyone, especially if one of the parties is not engaging in good faith. However, even if that is the case, valuable information can still be gathered regarding whether compatibility or mutual respect exists in the relationship, and that is important to know.
Knowing when it’s time to call it quits in a relationship is rarely simple, but certain signs can indicate that the relationship may no longer be healthy or viable. One major indicator is persistent emotional disconnection—when attempts to repair or reconnect consistently fail, and one or both partners feel chronically unseen, unloved, or unsafe. If communication is dominated by defensiveness, stonewalling, or contempt (the most toxic of Gottman’s Four Horsemen), and those patterns persist despite sincere efforts to change, it may signal deeper incompatibility or harm.
Other signs include repeated boundary violations, a loss of trust, or ongoing emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. A relationship that consistently erodes your self-worth, mental health, or sense of agency is not one you are obligated to remain in, especially if your well-being depends on shrinking yourself. If you’ve tried therapy, honest conversations, and genuine efforts at change but still feel emotionally isolated, resentful, or as though you’re constantly working to keep the relationship afloat while the other person isn’t showing up, it may be time to ask: Is this relationship helping me grow, or holding me back? Trust your instincts. If staying feels like a betrayal of your core self, that’s a message worth listening to.
At SpringSource, we have talented and experienced therapists who are trained in helping individuals and couples with their relationship challenges, using a variety of therapeutic modalities. We recognize that the path to healing is unique for everyone, and we focus on compassionately addressing your specific needs. We are available for in-person and virtual appointments at our downtown Chicago and Northbrook, IL, offices.
Contact us today at 224-202-6260 or in**@****************er.com to learn more and schedule your free initial consultation. We would love to hear from you.
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